The Entire Journal part of the series thus far.

Toten Du Selbest
"Go Kill Yourself"


"This is my self proclaimed hate. To the ones who don't have a testimony. For everyone who ever loved someone. Causing chaos amongst the world. Maybe this is my greed. My desire to withold upon, superficial treasures. I never thought anyone would hear me say all these things. But maybe I'm whispering them too loudly. Could you ever forgive me for my longing? To be known as someone else would be such a sweet rapture to my soul. Can you hear me? Or, are the voices in my head screaming too loud for you to understand me clearly. I know know, I always thought tears were the best form of expression. It seems I have proven myself wrong on my own theory. The scars are where all my urges have bled from these years. My tainted autobiography of dismal lies. But they seem to follow me wherever I may roam now. Freedom is such a fickle thing. Though some of us will never know it. May we be clad in our anger and self consiousness not to know better than the others. We are the ones that will show you what it's really like to scream until your throat bleeds. The enchantment of extra-sensory powers and our foolish belief in surrealism. May your souls never face death, or worse reality. They are both the same in perspective. Though may long live the broken hearted. Venture on to find magick in all the wrong places, for they are the ones that will never truly live. Imagination will only get you so far, but seeing it before you eyes, will take you to forever. "

" May you never take for granted what I must say, or proclaim rather. I love you. Though it is never as simple as that, you might dream it be. Do not procrastinate my offer of affection, true to, it may be cursed. That will make it only last forever. I wish not to bestow upon you my cowardice, for it does not exist, I just give you bravery and the chance for rejoicing in the blessings of the divine authority. Temptation may run wild through your veins but so does intelligence. The wicked creator may never hurt his child, though others might see it fit for the few such as ourselves. Ponder as you may, my proposition is as it very well stands. Take my heart, crush it, disarm it, dispose of it, but only if you keep it. This was never meant to hurt anyone or make them isolate theirselves, though sometimes we must. In order to survive. Nor shall I shed a meaningless taer against the pages of my own agony, I wish you simple contentment from my fears of you. But now, I can't blame you for my disappointment in life, love, or better yet, reality."

"You have so many different smiles. Each of them, expressing a different mood. Like when you're really happy, or just laughing out of politness. When you talk about something you are really passionate about. I wish I could erase them all. To show you that this blatant reality is so messed up and mortals take so many excess precautions to stay away from things they fear. Beauty may hold pure and forever for the beholder but to ones that can not see psat the murder and the hatred and the post traumatic disorders of people that live in a picture perfect world. They will never know the things we do. Chosen, specifically for you, to do your work, to worship you, your praise. May we never let us see that in which the blind see, or what the deaf here. For love will never be true, never last forever, maybe never even see to the next day. So you shouldn't portray to be the epitome of perfection, or hypnotize me into believing that you are what I need. No one is perfect until you fall in love with them, but then perfection doesn't really matter. Don't try to be me, or see into my head. The murders would break your fragile soul into pieces upon the floor. maybe you shouldn't see, so you don't have to believe. I'm not a murderer, just someone that will make human sacrafices. God, I wish you could see the beautiful emptiness of forever in your colourless eyes. You should taste your own blood for such a high as you bring to me. It's practically meaningless to the outside world. But, the sweet nothings you whisper in my ear could light up even the darkest layers of this hell. Though it might not last for an eternity, nor will it be pure. Let's just play dress-up, and pretend for an instant that this isn't facisous."

"The silence in this empty house is killing me. But from time to time, I hear the pitter-patter of little feet against the hardwood floor in the hallway. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear such noise. Yes, God save the Queen, but leave the damned to walk upon this Earth in restlessness. To haunt my word even when I never knew who these beings where when they were alive. The only flicker of the flame lights this room where I talk to you. Can you hear me and see these Crimson tears of anger, joy, delight and mistrust? They are the silver lining of my clouds. And you are my sunset in the middle of the night. My raven of peave, and my rainbow in the desert. Kiss me in the pouring rain then let me dive into my blissful moon to watch the lonely cry. I watch you as you drive away into the sun as until we meet again in hell to be together at last. Where I count my prayers and cross my fingers. The promise of tomorrow lingers on up to the day I die in my sentimental glorification. I will take you with me there where we can cry together in the rapture of hauntings. Make my drams come true. Be my Prince Charming and we will ride away on our horse and buggy of daydreams. Marry me today and we can live happily ever after, until the end."

"A kiss after my nightmares, you can make it all go away. My dreams are all like yours but I get lost inside sometimes. Believe it or not you can't hear me screan eve if you say you do. The cries of torment are your very own. May the celestial beings watch over you tonight, you will need their guidance to set me free. Don't mind me as I sign my soul away for free to the devil. You may wish to do it as well. The star are beautiful tonight, seek them out and place them in your eyes. Call my name and sing your songs to me. Talk about your break ups and our precious new love together, hold me in your arms. Never let me fade away, so far to where I'll never return from my self-seclusion. What the fuck have you made me into. I wish you would just go away and never come back. Even if you shall have my heart forever, dead I shall remain. My friends will all find me here, and what these tourniquets reveal. May they be consoled and their souls mended by hand. Burn me please and scatter my ashes across the sky for me to be alone at last, though I know Hell awaits. Make a special place for me on the mantle, for all to see. You only so close to me now, here you can't hurt me. Fucking bastard I hope to see you here with me and our love with linger on for today. Black roses line the wall, with ribbons and lace and pearls. To match my blackend heart, like the hipped off paint from my fingernails. Beautiful enchantment. Wonderful, glorious imperfections. Close me off in my untouched room. You take my break away, you are simply stunning. And oh, how I hate you for it. You are the root of all my evils. Bless you with my love, then you take it all away. I'm an addict of this parallel universe. I hope you can't find me through the patch work quilt I've decorated myself with. The most delicate desguise. I build it up one by one to show the stages I've surpassed. Now I throw it into the fire to watch it burn away. Every piece fades away. Just. Like. Me."

"Clouds line my deep blue sky that is out tonight. Maybe it will rain, was away the thoughts inside that keep me dreaming of you. Only you, my love. The rain drops fall down slowly as you still call out my name. Just let me go and fly where no one sees these blood-shot blue eyes. My thoughts are so deep they paralyze me. Trap me in their world of hate. Someone teach me on honest thing. Something to know, something to dream. Cover me with a blanket of stars that are hiding tonight. I will lay upon the land you have made bare, not out of innocence or love for the ones. But for me to have dreams on tonight, a land to make my own. Make me daring and make me sane, for I am a fool lost in this oblivion. I want to be an exquisite creation, just like you. I need what you truly are. Everything.. I take the poison for my cure, break me of this habit of hiding away from you, as always. I still bleed and breathe at the same time. Another mistake for me. I wish you only greatness in an unique, obscure sense for me. I stab myself just to see if I'm real. A habitual sacrafice to someone other than myself. Though not all that may glitter will be gold. Just like your eyes and infectious smile. Rip the flesh away from my bones and I will never be able to repay you. Mold me into something else. Something shiny and new."

"This is my life, I think of it as a substance abuse course. Everyone comes and goes, addicted to one thing or another. This is what I feed on to make me a stronger person. Though I know not of what your problems are, nor do I really care for this matter. Faeries are remarkable creatures, I want them to take me on a trip with them to Neverland, where I will always be the same. Please don't play with me, I see what you do and it makes me want to cut my eyes out to make the images go away. The wounds forever imbeded in my memory. I can still taste you in my skin and in my hands. The way you touch me makes me cringe, then shivers run down my spine in anticipation. Bring me back to life. You were the only one who saw me when I was invisible, but where am I now? Plead with me to save the world from mortal distruction. These beings do not know how their cruelty belongs to me. Stay with me please, I need companionships, in my rescue of Salvation in this city of Angels and Demons. Decifer for yourself those who are real. Nothingness is the key to my existance, so just let me disappear. Do not destroy my sanctuary, for my witchcraft is not evil, just loyal to someone of a different kind. Take the innocent and leave me here to watch them go without me. This was my desire to be like you and everyone else, though I am the only one around. loneliness is my gratitude for making me an individual. Never shall I be influenced but still the heartache lingers on. Speak slowly for I am learning this new feeling. Nothing is ever forever nor here to stay take me with you to wherever you go when you're gone. Touching isn't my way to feel that you're still here to be with me. My closure is gone, to be saught again by me to use, for hiding from you. "

"Part of virtue is having patience, respect for others, as well as yourself. For the artist as well as the inspiration, break me, fold me, like the long lost love letters of yesterdays. Her screams became melodic as they played over and over again for me. The cries of the pure, the innocent and now, the dead. Taunting me from past lives that I long for, for so long now. My blood splattered wedding gown, for my special Halloween day. You take this all away from me, but never tell me why. Never have I done a thing to deserve this from you. Bathe me in this prolonged hatred for others, may you be my somebody for tonight. You make this feel too explicit for my word to describe. Don't make me feel supernatural only few are picked out for that kind of work. I'm drowning in an invisible sea surrounded by everyone I've ever cared about. I could close my eyes, but your face would haunt me even in the most blessed settings. I never took for granted all the small things you did for me. Candles and flowers, waking me up bry brushing stray hairs away from my face, just so you could run your fingers across my jawline, and kiss my forehead. How those days seem to drift away with us. I hope you can stay with me that will make us complete, a group of flashbacks from another time. We never imagined it would really work out, now I don't believe it's safe for us to tend to things such as this. Our late nights proofing everything we ever wrote to one another. The fights, the love the mystery that draws us together. You will be a rock star and I the starving artist, yet again. Make me want to wish upon stars again, that you will show up at my parents house, throwing rocks at my balcony doors. All just o tell me good-night, and that if all the stars were to fall out of the sky, just my eyes would make the whole night sky shine. You would blow a kiss then run away as the neighbors came out of their windows yelling at you to go play Romeo somewhere else. My perfect life, a Cinderella story never told to another, but you now. My tale is nothing but pages in a lost journal for you to read. Breaking me was easy, changing me into something else is the hard part. Take advantage of me, and what you see, but never shall I shed a single tear for you, only for him. His name you will never know, but my world is gone because you didn't. Yet someone says this ever better than I do. "Parting, is such sweet sorrow."

"Originality, maybe that's what you have that others don't, or a creative, tasteful response to all my sarcastic or just plain idiotic comments. It was always about what was best for me. You put your feelings before your pride. Quality, not quantity, would be the answer for me. You make my head spin as I float amongst the coulds. Precious unholy child of mine, that was born a Princess but must lay along side demons as her royalt. The pen is such an unique instrument, it will make you a million or bring you to your knees in such agony. Mine, is the one I used to write my phone number on your hand in our Junior year of high school. I wrote our names in secret, in my book, while I waited by the phone for you. Only three years after that night you promise and make me do so, that we will always be together, no matter if we are realms a part. I will tell the world I love you, and only you. Even after I have gone. Good-night, my love, may angels carry you during your pleasant dreams tonight. My guardian will be your guidance to me, only me. It will not be a star, though you should look to the sky to find it. And if they kill us both, may dead at least bless me, with you. All I wanted was to fall in love with someone.. that will truly be in love.. with me. She was like a snake though, terrifying yet, beautifully enchanted. Never get to close to something that is poisonous and evil. Becuase nothing is ever this pure, or this simple. No longer shall I wait for my revenge. Today is, the day. So, please step aside before death greets you with a smile."

"A morbid phobia, that's what I call my complains. You call me and I hear your voice, and you make it all seem so clear. I will surrender to all that you are. This is my secret creation, my, mobid phobia. Redeeming myself at this point in time wouldn't be an option, now I do not think I would want it to be. Maybe my care-less attitude has actually worked for once. Maybe you should just go ahead and die. Slit your wrists, make a noose and hang it from your closet, put your head in it, and blow your brains out. Make it romantic and tragic, like a Van Gough painting. Leave a letter behind, of the things to give to your friends, talk about your first love, and your parents. And everyone who messed with you as you pulled the trigger. Have them read it over the intercom at school for everyone to hear. This is my beautiful insanity. I cherish it, for now and always. Just, as I do you. Make it like, a paper back novel in the horror section of my life. May you bleed for me as I do now for you. Be beautiful and kind. Tell them all to hate you, for me. As I now will draw the pictures of the vampyres that dance in my head. Impose upon the world that sanity is a waste of time. Only because life itself is crazy, please do not touch me in the sun, I will crumble into ashes for you. Those who are foolish, may never live as long as the wise, but they seek fufillment in living to the extreme. Coldness rushes over me, do not bury me yet, my eyes are still blinking."

"I'm writing from my terrifying abyss of unnatural disasters. Just to say today was better and I still hate you. I sang our song today, and it made me cry. Only because, you are my greatest mistake. I want to hold your hand and sing to you this bitter-sweet melody of love. I will have sweet dreams tonight though. I could slit my throat and watch the blood make me a crimson lake to swim inside my black and white world in. Please, hold me closer while I try to push you away for taunting me all these years. You are after all the heroic one in this story and I the antagonist, just only against myself. This is my cry for help, as I weep over my broken soul. Never will anyone change in a tainted world of lies. It is not their nature to be subdued. Life is nothing what it seems to be, and to the victor go the sport. Do as I say, and not as I do, but please let me cut your eyes out. It will only make these graphic images stronger and that is what a traitor deserves. Eternal punishment, watching yourself die. Inside, out.."

"I want you to write me a love letter. Put down all the words you could never say to me. Make me cry for you and for us. Then let us have a night to see what we still have together. Something that we both knew would never last. Now I'm drowning under all the stress, all of this drawing one simple conclusion, that I am not wanted. You promised me this would end but you keep pulling me under father than I ever wanted to go. I can't help to hear you say all those old things, like you used to. Take me back again, before I became so entrapped in myself. It's like when the rain falls steadily down and you can't see the highway with your brights on. It's pounding against the glass so hard that you can feel the pressure against your face. It stings so bad you want to pull over and just watch it wash away all you once where. Let it take your breath away. Wait until it stops just to realize you have died inside, for no better reason than the rain. Bring me home, carry me away to see your face, now that you are no where near me. Take a deep breath as the cold water rushes over. I disappointed the wrong person this time, and it wasn't even myself. Make me believe again, though I have learned not to trust. It's only seconds away from forever."

"Take the time to calculate all the times you have chson to do something besides be with me. It's like the day you found me with your dad's gun in my car. In your drive way. It takes you this long to see that I'm immune to your insults and stupid lies. Just let me let you in on something. I know you mean what you said. That I'm crazy and over-emotional. That I will always just be the girl in the closet while the other is in your bed. Do you really love me now? You should. It IS your fault this time. I tried to blame myself. But when I got so far down, I knew it was really you and not me. All the time I was your princess while she was your queen. I laugh then I break then I scream and smile. Baby, it's you and me now. I know I need help. Show me where to go now. This car is looking lonely while the doors are locked and you can't get inside. It has always been this way. On the outside never in. I don't know why the fuck I'm still fighting when there is nothing left. Keep reminding me to breathe as I keep staring at you. You and your friends will laugh about this later. While I"m watching you from my corner of the room. All I wanted you to do was rescue me... from myself. But you don't even know I've been kidnapped, taken hostage within myself. Well fuck you too, and just to let you know, I'll try not to get my blood on your new shoes."

"You always said you loved the way my hair looks spread across a pillow. How the moonlight would spray across the floor while we would dance. Only I would rememeber such things as these for they are symbolic to me. The way the ashes of this paper flew into the night sky. Spreading across the world for everyone to piece back together to read. The burn marks left in the grass behind the school. It's not like you were listening anyway. Sorry for interrupting you once again. I'll put my headphones on and play this song over and over again. While I write my story. I'll sit outside on your porch swing letting you talk to your girlfriend through the screen door. I rip out my feelings and memories one at a time. Maybe I'll call you on the phone tonight then hang up when I start to cry. You'll call me back and tell me you still care about me and think of me often. I just sit there listening. Then you hang up and comver over, sneaking through my window and hold me as you talk about the fight you and her had. Of how you miss me and wish we were still together. I look down so you won't see me disappointed but you kiss my eyes. Fall asleep next to me like you would do in the car. Society never pays attention to the little things such as these. Just wars and whatever any other person wants to do. Everyone besides the one that sleeps next to you ever night. Or the dreams your kids are having right down the hall from you. Take time for the things you think are stupid because they might mean the world to someone else. You're not fooling anyone but yourself now. They all will think you're ignorant when this is all over for doing the things you do. But to your kids or the ones that matter, you'll be a real hero. Please, be my hero.. All I want is to stay this way. Even if it's just for tonight or for the next five minutes. I will lay back and let my hair fall over the pillow as you watch me close my eyes before going to sleep next to me. I love you forever and a day... But I'm sorry for stalking you at home"

"Forever I lay awake dreaming of you, underneath my Auburn skies. This early December life I've lost now again. I'll hide back under the cover so you can't see my smile when I see your face in the sunlight. You'll be curled up next to me and I'll watch your eyelashes flutter as the sun touches your cheeks. It's a brand new day and we'll never have to say we're sorry again. All these screambled words never spoken. These lies we always thought of as excuses for our flaws. My contaminated life without you here. I'm fearless. Just ask me what this is all about when you stop dreaming about your childhood, because we're skating on thin ice. As you count the number of body bags you will have to go through to find yourself. So now, let's go Emo and kill ourselves while we listen to our whiny ass poser music. Go kill yourself tonight, and make my day. Faith is never everlasting and you can never truly trust anyone. It's like a sick paranoia of everyone around you. No one is ever free, they tell you these things but still give you laws to abide by. And why can't we save the world. It's not like they aren't begging us to keep the ones who cannot help theirselves. Who cares how much it costs or the risks. Isn't your primary concern the actual concern of others. Children are the future, but if we do things such as abuse and rape them, what future do we really have. Responsibility is only something you can push so far, then it shatters when dropped. Would you honestly take a bullet to the head for your best friend, family or even your country. Punish only those who do you wrong for the innocent will condemn you. Tampering with things that you know nothing of can cause disaster. Be careful what you wish for. The power you may seek might potentially be stronger than your will. Dangerous temptations will get you hurt. But lack of knowledge will get you killed. Or at least the people you protect. Thank you, for nothing."

"Can't you hear them screaming, those people from your nightmares. What did you do to them... And why did you do it? They were the ones that never did anything to hurt anyone. But sitll you pushed them too far. They were the ones that shot up your school, or the ones that thought about all the times you made fun of them before they committed suicide. Maybe they're the ones emotionally wrecked because of you. Take, take, take. never give anything back. Maybe now they'll be noticed. It's almost like a political corruption amongst teenagers. Someone always has to be the bad guy. It's always the worse case scenario. If I had the voice, the chance, I would rock the world. I would tell them things they have always wanted everyone fighting for to forget about. What they really want the world to hear. It's not so much about how you say it as to who you say it to. It might not be said that it's all okay, because it's not. Don't blame it on the music or the books that they read. Blame it on yourself and their friends or the person that would always fuck with them. It's not so much of a mainstream idea when you put it into perspective. It's the broken home and when they're all alone and they have time to think it through. Maybe they'll end up in Prison or maybe a whore. It was still your choice to show them wrong and right. Maybe your straight A student is a drug dealer, good-girl cheerleader is hooked on Meth. Someone please save us now. I want to hide away and pretend it's not real. Even though everyday it's right there slapping you in the face. I don't want to end up like you and everyone else. It's all about my dream. The dream to show people what this is all about. How we end up like we do. Having 11 year old girls seeling theirselves to survive. All because mommy and daddy are too strung out on coke to provide for her and her siblings. How little boys are carrying guns and end up behind bars for shooting someone in the head. Tell me that you see this and I am not imagining these things. Everyone has potential to be so much more than how little we measure them up to have. Just help me be more than you, even if it is hard to deal with. And point me in the direction of the next corner, so I can get a fix."

"Let's turn the tables for a moment and put all this shit on you. You wouldn't even make it out the door. Take back all the things you said to me and see how they feel. You should never play with things you are not sure of. They might turn out to be superficial. Why do we hide where no one can find us? This does not make us stronger or more united any way. Stand together as one. But do not except me for my colour, my sexual preference, my religion, or the way I look. So what a person might not be the same race, does that make them a bad person. They have a rainbow but hide it in a closet. We have a difference in beliefs. But do we not all worship for the same reason. To get somewhere. Maybe I just like black clothes, or look pretty in pink. Why are we so 'united, ' so much 'stronger' when we can't even accept our own neighbor. Yes, let this be a lesson. This is an unique way to believe in unity. Racism, discrimination, hatred. Let us be as one. But until then, go ahead and point at me."

"The top precent of teen suicides are caused by a broken home. Well my mother and father killed theirselves in front of me when I was seven. How much more broken can you get. I wouldn't mind spending my days locked up inside if I could just have a normal family. But then I think who is actually normal? Why do you get married and have children if four years later someone is going to run off with someone else. Who can honestly say they will love the same person for the rest of their lives. Will it always be the same as the day you met them. Once you leave you can never go back. Suicide. The story of my life. When someone kills theirself or dies period, when they go away. It becomes like a veil. They can see you, but you can't see them. What would that person think if they saw you crying over them. They would tell you to get the fuck over it and go on. I wish I could stand out on the corner of your road and come by and fix all the broken pieces and drive away again. I wish I could show you how much I appreciate you but the silence is so loud. It's undeinable that I can't see myself anymore. Only because of your broken home, and broken smile. Please, don't ha- - Wait, it's too late for that. Like usual. I'm always too late to say good-bye. Where did Dad hide our gun..."

"This is for all the times you said try and I failed. And for when you acted like you cared. When you told me I could do anything. But now I'm still the same. Thanks for catching me when I fell. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself. Take the next girl standing in line. I'll be the one who's left behind. Be her hero and hold her hand. Maybe she won't be like me. Put it out in black and white. Teach her too, wrong from right. Tell her she can be anything... Just act like I'm not even there. It's not like I'm jealous or anything. I just want to be the one who watches her die."

"What type of man does it take to lie to a country. Is he average or have a lot of pride. Does he have to cheat and steal. Would he take advantage of the people who practically worship him. Take from the rich and give to the poor. Does he have to be white, or can he have a male companion. Would he have to drive a fancy car and have kids that run wild. Does he have to be brilliant or have a million people work for him. Would he be neglective on his duties. Maybe be a mass murderer and have people actually allow it. Does he get offended easilly, and wear his heart on his sleeve. Would he put us in a state of economic depression. Maybe we just really need to be judgemental..."

"Our minds have been unhinged from their faith and love particularly brought in exile, The past becomes a dreamy haze because it was once something that has now vanished. The present is also dreamy because no memories can be linked to it. Now your lonely souls can hide even from the heavens. And by pure impulse with out reflection like a spider weaving a web but getting trapped inside. But as most peoples character they are naturally irresponsible and have nothing but moral cowardice to show for it. Taking offence would qualify as being over-emotional. Then it would runk us all together as the epitome of pure evil or hatred. living is an option to only those who see fit. But something inside my head keeps blinking like a danger signal and I can't put on the brakes fast enough. It's one big crash and a step off from a nervous break down when it snaps back to what is real. Please tell me that you were the one who caught me when I jumped Take your time though, I won't be broken when dropped. I'll just shatter."

"Tell me everything I've always wanted to hear. It's not like you really mean it. Could it be that you were never what I thought you were. Let's skip the drama and go to happily ever after. You can make a joke about my life later. It's my determination that will keep me alive for now. But the amount of frustration is quite amusing,. I had a bad day again, something you would not know about. I will wish it all away, I will fly free, I will break away. I feel so unloved, unappreciated, insignificant. Just keep pretending I don't exist. Nothing is missing.. No one.. is missing. But you could never miss someone that was never there. Forgive me for hating myself."

"A beautiful fortress of emotion i have built around myself. Never will it crumble, never will it cease to exist. When I first layed eyes on you my heart stopped. I could breathe. You were simply the most beauitufl creation I had ever seen. How I love it when you look at me and smile because I know that for at least one second during your day, you thought about me. My imagination runs wild like children in a field of wild flowers. You can't begin to understand how this captivates my heart. A wonderful bliss. Even if you don't know my name. You're arrogant yet charming, stunning but you have a wicked soul. You're simply crazy but you make me smile. How I do love you. Your devilish grin and innocent eyes. If you make me yours I will worship you for always. So sly and sophisticated I wonder why you can't hear me singing to your music.. After all I'm hiding in the trunk of your car.."

" You laugh at me when I stand in the pouring rain, but I don't mind. Even if you are on my front porch. You are so tragically beautiful when you're covered in the freshly fallen snow. So terribly romantic when you hold my hand. You're so magestic and enticing. It's like I have an abundance of butterflies all held captive inside of me. I think someone stole the stars and placed them in your eyes so when you cry crystal come down your cheeks, dampened with your emotions. Oh how I long to be so perfectly angelic. And how your beauty haunts me so. But how I must depart, for your smile is just a dream away..."\

"You're horrible, wrteched, how I admire you so unconditionally. Even though it was never an option. Odd thing about today, you stopped and looked at me. Directly in my eyes and smiled. I'm not sure you knew I eve existed until that moment. It was so sweet how you one dimple on the left side of your face. Positioned just so slightly so you only see it when your smile reaches from ear to ear. Could you love me? You stood there for what seemed an eternity. All for me. How absolutely glorious. It could be so traumatizing to be rejected by such a pure being. Even Van Gough himself never saw such beauty. All through you, your simply horrid smile and hauntingly empty eyes. So lost and cold. The hate of the world is left inside. All built up in you. My imperfection. My empty, haunting, loving, beautiful imperfection..."

"I'm sure no one ever suspencted that I killed myself for you. The tears I shed, the times I bled because of you. How I teach myself to worship you, mindlessly, I do. The places where all my sorrows left me along the way. And your unforgivable wods of kindness tested my patience. The way of your never changing faith is something you made up. But through faery tales and bleeding souls, I fought my way to you. And as the credit roll at the end of my black and white picture show, I will stay behind and play pretend just a little while longer. To return to you, smile as you always do. You could make my life into a book, "Miserably ever after. The End." I'll bite my tongue and smile too then go about my duties. Poor girls, poor foolish, pretty, young girls. Stay two things always, Pretty and foolish. That way when the tales end, you always still believe that you are a princess."

"I found myself today lost amongst my shattered dreams. The pieces lay in shapes of flowers and hearts. Abstract in their own way. It makes life seem so repulsive and inticing. Every can be so horribly wonderful. Just as we all know in the end we're heading for heartbreak. But as the ghost break through glass windows and they stay intact. They are the ones that dance through the pages of my book, laughing and cheering at everyones misfortune. I listen to the wind chimes, as they sway back and forth in my bedroom. The music may be well for my soul but will not keep me young forever. Time to close my eyes and let the screaming in my own head, gently rock me to sleep."

"I'll be wrapped up in your arms tonight. As you sleep your cool breath whispers all your secrets to me. I'll trace your eyeslids with my fingertips making sure you have only the sweetest of dreams. Watching over you tonight just to see your face in the morning. Watch your eyelashes flutter in the rising sunlight. How wonderfully depressing it is to know that you are mine forever. But together we will be in our state of misery. Just how amazing you are mocks me. I will never be half of what you are now. But I am no longer my own, I belong to you. I would cry out loud but I do not wish to be saved from this tragedy. But to stay everlasting in the glory of knowing that I could die tomorrow. I'll run my fingers through your hair as you gently wake and kiss you looks to welcome you to yet another day in hell. Together we can live. And only the ghosts in this town will know we exist. Leave the rest a mystery. A story for little kids to spread around with their friends. So we can watch them dare one another to run up and knock on our front door. Walk around the town at night, hand in hand. You never looked more beatiful. We're wrap our christmas presents in black and white as we are dressed as our favourite characters that year. You will be my everything as you have always been. The only man to ever steal my heart and soul. We can live like vampyres wrapped in each other with black curtains to keep out the sun. Yet running the night, prowling as if in search of our next victim. Colour my world with darkness and the promise of always having you."

"None of the other girls were ever allowed to spend the night at my house. Just in case daddy got into one of his moods. The neighbors could hear him yell they said, and that we should run away. But I bet, he would find us. When you're little, the world seems like a much smaller place, I always knew better then that. But now that I am reflecting I was never daddy's little princess, but his little whore. It was never "How was your day at school?" but instead "Shut up and go do what I say you slut." Maybe I love you because you're the only man I've ever adored. You held my hand and told me of lands so whimsical that I can only dream of them. The night daddy died, I didn't cry but you held me anyway and told me I was a better person for him living. But I'm not. SO many nights I prayed he'd die and he never did. Disappointed all over again when I had to see his tarnished blue eyes. They are my own now. But somehow different, for mine are staind with all the tears I shed for him, because of him. We have the same ears but how mine ring with his voice still pounding in my skull. The orders shouted during his tyrinnical ruling. But learning from other's mistakes is how I base my life. So thank you daddy for letting me know that I will never be like you. You are my failure. The person I could not save. Only because I was rescuing you from your worst enemy.. Yourself."

"It's just another night alone, stuck here dreaming without you. But, I don't mind, although.. it's so cold outside. And all this time I pray for you and maybe one day you will understand all the times I bled until I was dry for you. The taste of metal is in my mouth as I bte my tongue until it bleeds, it's the adrenaline high I get from seeing myself bleed. Maybe I should just open the door and let you back inside, but the image of you in the pouring rain throwing stones at my window is just too hopeful. Just yell out goodnight loud enough to wake the neighbors and tell me that you love me then drive away in your car just to come back hours later to see me again. As I lay dying, reading the love letters from two summers ago, I make the promise to stay yours. Now as I worry you send me a sign, a flicker of light lets me know you're safe where you are now, so very far away. But you're traveling did you no good my young lover. You stayed close to me for all this time. Some say you cannot die of a broken heart and those who think that, have hearts that have never been broken. Now it is time to go see you as I take the severly wilted rose from those two summers ago. I will go no further than down the road to see you. You will always be near me.. I know this when I place that brittle rose upon your grave.."

" I am so enchanted by your acts of heroism. But could you save me from myself? The simplicity of your hand brushing mine sends chills up and down my spine. The flutter of your eyelashes and the way you say my name melts my pathetic blackened heart. How fortunatly perfect you are. I spend my days with you but my nights are filled with dreams of you. Bitter sweet perfection, as I have always said, how I adore you. Tell me of your tales that will live on with your legacy. The name people will be punished for forgetting. Whisper what our future holds while you softly kiss my cheek. May that feeling linger on forever like you shall. In my memories you will always stay, just like the taste of red wine. I wish you could be so real, as I make you out of my imagination."

"It's the parrallel lines of this alternating universe that compels me to say these things. All I wished for was a miracle, God forbid those from happening though. But we have been banished, exiled from the only home we have ever really known. Out of pity you could simply rescue me. Despite the false accusations that lay before you, I am now, and forever alone. Forget about me as you travel out into the sunset on your might white stallion. Your smile might brighten my day but your viscious words slay my nights. Even if I end up happy, I will break. Fix all the pieces ith tape, try to mend me back together again! Sing to me of all your desires, hopes of loving me. Oh how I do treasure your hatred of the world, the truth amongst a million liars. It is grotesquely charming how you make me feel. I only want to cringe when I see you all the time now. But your befuddlement about all this explicit detail is truly astonishing. Truth be told, my knight did not ride a white horse.."

" Your eyes burn me like blazes of an angered sun. But I bring no harm to you in any way. How you do tend to upset me although I try not to bury my soul with the crumbling world. Damn you for making me feel so worthless. Then again you don't care about anything but yourself. I'll try not to make a difference while you are around. Your lack of hope in the world makes me cry. FOr you could be the one who changes it. I would change the world for you, even if you didn't notice. "Breathing is just a weakness.." you always tell me. Next time, I'll remember to staple your mouth shut as well. Would that make you smile for a little while? One day soon you will appreciate the little things I do for you. But until then I'll slit your throat out of gratitude. Why can't we understand what goes on up there. Just hate me please. I could not ask for more than that. For you to say those words for all to hear. Hate me, hate yourself, hate every fucking person alive. You could never make me love you more than I already do. I laugh in your face about it when you're screaming at me. Hit me just one more time, show me how much you care. Because even hate is a feeling.."

"The drops of blood spilling from your eyes make me want to strangle you. They remind me so greatly of tears and how I want to hurt those who hurt you. They'll gawk when they invade our home, how our American flag hangs upside down. You are all wrong. Damn the empire. May they be brave as they dig through our possesions. Smirking at them as they look at us in the back seat of their squad car. They'll find what they never knew existed. But when they're alone, they'll admit silently to thinking about such things themselves. They know they cannot keep us, all our flaws are discreetly concealed. What noble deeds we do for our people. They will adore us for showing this united land how accurate they are for their incrimination of despondency. But those who do not respect our habits for direct allegations, will starve for the hostile authenticity of our utterance. How torrid is our longing for approval.. et how asinine to yern for things that do not be. Other just cannot comprehend our vast desire for endearment. Although we can neverpermit them to. I shall hold on to you as the world ridicules us for believing in the adventures of extinction. Forgive us for our trespasses even if we don't forgive those who trespass against us."


"How immoral are you for feeling attachment towards someone such as myself. Though the bereavement of your affections would slaughter my soul. It will be your own demise though, even if the thoughts of me fascinate your mind. But your black eyes match your soul and I could never put my trust in such a despicable being. May your actions be defined as those of mutiny. Celebrating my failures does not charm me, no do your bitter lies amuse. But now I have captured the pixie king to strike you with his reign of terror. Fear not for your life but your ears only. How his words will mock and manipulate you. Make you trust and smile, having hope in things you once thought fickle. How my diary is almost completely filled with my thoughts and memories of you. The deceit that you feel my heart with. These thoughts and wishes that I hold so dear to me. It is dreadful how you make me feel. But I could not live without your name lingering on my lips. I have never wished for anything more than to rot my years away with you. To wait for the moment when you die in my arms. My victorian play that I've created to have such a tragic ending. How we reinact the ending every night inside my head, to haunt my ever lasting life. Those who are immortal such like me, love once. And that love will linger on until the day we perish. Even as the years may pass, Iwill still, be able to remember every detail of your face. That, like me, will always stay, always last, always live on. Even when you're right next to me as I etch our names into your bedroom wall. stop watching me spill my soul into these pages that everyone in the world can read but you. You should never know these things. They could change your point of view. But these words shall last as well. One day they will fade away, but the meanings never will, just like me.. God forbid, just like me.."

"Your hands amaze me, how they know just the right things to say, and your eyes, some may say that they are the gateways to the soul, but yours, yours are mesmerizing. I get transfixed, falling under your hypnotic spell. Tell me of your dreams, the way you float about the clouds so you can watch out for the world below. You fidgit when you become nervous, biting your bottom lip when you think nobody is watching. But I am, I am always watching you. I study your every move, calculate your every step, count the second between each breath. Take me away with you, to a place only you know of. Teach me how to love all over again. This infatuation seems unhealthy, but for you, all for you. Sometimes I cut myself to see if you can feel it. But I don't think you even notice that I've been here all along. Making sure that you're okay. Maybe if I just spoke up and asked you if you were, it would make things easier. But I am not blessed to be as bold as others. Then again, I am not blessed to feel simply about things. "Next time," I tell myself, "I'll knock on his door.." Would it scare you to see me standing there? I guess I better go before the morning comes. This tree outside your window is across town from home. Besides, I need to pick the leaves out of my hair."

"I've been arguing with myself about what is wrong or right when it comes to you. But I can't help but think of you as my Sunshine. The only person that can brighten up my day and keep me smiling all day through. You make me want to better myself, to be perfect, like you. But you don't understand why, you just smile and kiss my hand like the gentleman you are. I am what I will forever be. A mentally deranged little girl. The only one you love and adore, but then you have to live life to love life; and love yourself before you can love me. Either way you can never know about what hides behind my eyes. They are the secrets that I insist upon keeping from you. Your foolish pleasure is so devious, I cannot help but to be so tempted. I long to be a part of you. It never works out this way though. May your next actions speak louder than the worlds you say before them. I already know that you're the only one for me.."

"I have never heard such long lost word come from another such as you. But for all the times we tried and failed, ths last time was for you. I've never wanted anything from you. I can't help but feel pity towards those who have never had the honor of you gracing their presence. I have only learned that you are the colour in my black and white world. And how I don't mind if you catch me staring because for that moment you were staring back. The people at the hospital say I'm crazy. "Lucky.." the call me but I only stare. "Why do you hurt yourself?" If they only could see that my blood is the same colour as my love for you! I would bleed myself dry to see all the love I have for you inside. Kept captive, trapped. I want to show you, my love. If that makes me crazy, then that's okay. I do not hurt myself! I just prove my love for you. I just prove my love for you. I just prove my love for you.. No one even knows how I can stand to look at myself everyday. It's because I see you in myself, you are a part of me. I've never been good at hiding anything, my secrets break me.."

"You have always been my greatest mistake, despite my better judgement to do so. Sometimes though late at night until the early morning I coulnt the scars to remind myself how much I hate you. How much you hate me. Although this mutual feeling is one not of my own but created by those against us. They still laugh when I hide in your car just to follow you home. When they see me sitting on your swing while my own is just across the street. I just like to be where you have been to see what it's like inside your mind. What do you think about while you sit here? Could those thoughts ever be of me. I sit inside my bedroom watching the ceiling fan spin in circles. I'll light the candles and watch them burn down until they are gone. I write the thoughts that flow through my empty mind. What is this form of selfexpression, one to add mixed up feelings after they shock me for climbing the walls. I pull my oversized coat about my ears to keep them from hearing the sounds from the outside world. I throw my things at the window but they just bounce back. I want to be alone! Alone to follow you. Alone to write in this diary to keep for you. Alone to watch me bleed. Alone to scream. Alone to cry. Alone to make me become whole again. Alone in the trunk of your car. Alone on the swing. Alone in the tree outside your window. alone.. Alone.. ALONE! Because you're still the one that makes me draw those stupid hearts over my eyes. I just want you to stop telling me the sky is the limit. Especially since I know there are footprints on the moon. Don't ask me what is more important between you and my life. You will just walk away not understanding that YOU are my life. You annoy me almost as much as the guy across the room who keeps calling everyone son. I just want to scream at him, tell him he is nothing. Just another pathetic person locked inside our little corner of the asylum. Break me, take me, hit me, rape me, kill me.. JUST HATE ME ALREADY. You prove to me that no one is perfect no matter how high up in society you are. And I, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. In a world full of failure no one could ever be perfect."

"Tangle me up in your lies how they work like a spiders web. Capturing me then eating me alive. But no roads are paved with signs leading to Heaven. I'd rather get lost along the way. But as these vines grow higher and wrap me with their fury, I cannot escape. I will not try to escape. The sky is NOT our limit!! But only the begining. I am wrteched for making you feel this way. May you only dream of such agony and never have to face it. For I am the one you never thought could possibly be. Take my hand and I will show you the world unseen to the eyes of many. The world as no one wants to admit exists. Do not close your eyes, or you'll never see your life flash before them."

"Under moonlit summer skies is where I seek you. To have you there and stand beside you as the waves crash over me. I am but nothing, a miserable wretch to the lies and deceit of this horrid world. Catastrophe is such a fickle thing. Nothing can be replaced when all hope is lost. You are but the one who makes my soul bleed. Could you count the ways you love me? I couldn't. There are none. For you are nothing but the lost one seeking what you do not truly want. I will forbid myself from loving someone like you. But when you look at me and smile I can count the stars shining in your eyes. Despite the hallowness behind them. How can the world not see what you are? A monster. But I simply adore you for it. Nothing more. Nothing less... I feel as if the world has fallen apart today. Even though I have had reassurance from few that infact it is not. Though I wish that you could see you are just like me. Even though you hardly know my name. Do not find me disenchanted for your beauty speaks to me. Such an imperfection, beauty is. Disguised by those who do not have it on the outside. But the beauty you have is both. The bitterness is intimidating unless you know where it's coming from. Though my politeness may be the front you see, it is not what my heart feels. Nothing is anymore. Pardon me for the discreetness on my part. Just let me tell you. You intrigue me."


[] Hate me for my typing Mistakes. []